The first return to Rwanda

 RFG Root Talk: Annika & Paul

Protocol: Marie Dudek

Paul is a founding member and board member of Root Foundation Germany, and Annika is a long-standing member of Root Foundation Germany, child protection officer and editor of our annual magazine. Both were volunteers at the Root Foundation in Kigali. Now they have met in Berlin to talk about what it is like to return to Rwanda, why it took some time, and what returning means to both of them.

Paul: 

Annika, in a week you're flying back to Rwanda for the first time in seven years. How does that feel? 

Annika: 

We're starting with the easiest question (laughs). 

I'm very excited! I'm also curious to see what has changed since I was last there. And I'm a little nervous because I haven't met many of the people who work at the Root Foundation today in person. Many of the children we accompanied back then are no longer children and probably no longer there. The Root Foundation itself is in a different building – everything has changed somehow, and yet at the same time, much has remained the same.

Paul:

Why did you decide to return at such a late point in time? 

Annika:

For me, there were initially very practical reasons: for a long time, I couldn't afford to go back. Then there was also the time factor. I was studying, and the semester breaks seemed too short to return to Rwanda or were already taken up with other plans. And you have to plan a trip to Rwanda relatively far in advance so you don't end up paying exorbitant prices for flights. In addition, I had significant family commitments and therefore couldn't take a long trip. Now is the first time that none of these reasons are holding me back.

I could certainly have gone earlier, but then it would have been for shorter periods, and I didn't want that. It was clear to me from the start: if I went back, it would be for a longer period of time. I would never have flown to Rwanda for just a week and then come back again. 

Paul:

I also didn't consider going to such great lengths just to fly to Rwanda and back. For me, the opportunity arose when I was in South Africa and was able to make a stopover in Rwanda on the way back – just passing through, so to speak. But I wonder why I didn't even consider this option. Why didn't I allow myself to just fly there for two or three weeks, just to be there? 

Annika 

It's a bit absurd, because we're already among the volunteer alumni who are still most connected to the Root Foundation and in contact with them. And yet it didn't occur to us that we could travel to Rwanda without a specific reason.

Paul: 

I also had a mental closure after I finished my year with the Root Foundation. I didn't see it as an active part of me, of my being, so I didn't feel the need to say, ‘I'm going back there now.’ In my perception, this is the case for some others, where their time in Rwanda has become such a strong part of who they are that the possibility of not going back didn't even exist – that would have meant not giving space to that part of themselves. 

I don't know what it will do to you to go back to Rwanda after such a long time – whether it will become a new part of yourself, or whether you will allow an old part of yourself back in, one that has been there subconsciously all along.

Annika: 

That was also part of my fear, the reason why I didn't dare to go back. 

I would never just go back, but always thought that if I did go back, it would be with a fixed plan of what I would do there, for example an internship. Others simply went back, but I didn't see that as an option for me. Also because I was afraid of slipping back into the old roles I had back then. I didn't want that. I thought, ‘I'm out of that role, others have to take it on now.’ I didn't think about the fact that those roles no longer existed. And I didn't believe I could take on a new role. For my degree and my time in Rwanda back then, it was important to create some distance.

Now I'm going back with the aim of not primarily being at the Root Foundation, but also doing other things. 

Paul:

For me, visiting Rwanda and the Root Foundation meant the same thing. I had a very strong desire to see the people who had influenced me there at the time and to keep that connection alive. It's no small feat to actively shape something like the Root Foundation over many years and to feel the same level of trust as when you're there in person. Reviving that was a very strong, powerful desire.

And I wanted to continue observing the development of the Root Foundation. To go there with a certain humility and see what has happened since I left Rwanda. It touched me to admit to myself and recognise that I had been part of it.

Annika

I also find it exciting that although the Root Foundation was a major motivation for me to return, so too was the attitude to life I had at the time and places that are still important to me today. One of the biggest reasons for me to go back was always the contact with Muragwa (co-founder of the Root Foundation Rwanda). For me, returning is therefore also strongly linked to friendships, naturally in connection with the Root Foundation. But it was never just the Root Foundation that made me think about returning.

Sometimes I think I could have gone back earlier. That it's a bit late now. I realise that no one in Rwanda expects me to come back. No one is counting on it anymore. And in a way, that's kind of nice because it creates an element of surprise, but in another way, it's almost a bit sad to know that no one is expecting me – even though they'll definitely be happy when I'm there.

Paul:

And I think that's actually really good and important from a power-critical perspective: to realise that no one depends on you getting there. Sure, on a very personal level, that can be a bit disappointing or sobering, but in itself, I think it's a good thing.

Annika: 

Was it a good experience  when you returned for the first time in 2023, even after seven years? You were only in Rwanda for a week. Did the short duration make a difference in how you perceived everything?

Paul: 

It was the classic scenario, of course – in such a short time, the emotional state is quite euphoric. I felt a lot of positive emotions and saw a lot of good things. That fits in well with my identity as an optimist because it confirms my beliefs. 

I felt like I had been extremely active during that time. Maybe that was problematic, or maybe it was the spirit of the Root Foundation itself, but I immediately tried to reconnect with my contacts and networks in Kigali through the Root Foundation. It didn't feel like a sprint at all, but like a very pleasant backpacking trip. In addition, there was also the element that, through my involvement with the Root Foundation Germany, I didn't really feel like I was just an external visitor who might feel out of place at times. When I returned to Rwanda, I was an outsider, but at the same time I knew about the internal processes, was aware of all the developments and knew the challenges. In the broadest sense, the people at the Root Foundation are part of my family.

During my last visit, I was able to offer the Root Foundation more because of the experience I had gained in the meantime. I now have completely different knowledge and perspectives than I did back then. It was really nice to see that the over-motivated but also uninformed and purely action-oriented Paul from back then can now bring even more value to the Root Foundation. 

Annika:

At the time, I struggled a lot with the fact that I was not professionally qualified for what I was doing. It was incredibly difficult for me to accept that. That's why I did so much during my time at the Root Foundation, because I felt that I had to compensate for it somehow, to earn my right to be there. I'm more relaxed about that now because I know I'm better qualified – that's a good feeling. At the same time, I still struggle with the role I have: I am a white German woman who is clearly involved in development contexts. That still drives me to despair because I don't see how this position could work well in the long term for me and the people involved in this work.

Paul:

For me, the hope has always been that Root Foundation Germany could be a venue where this perspective has a place. That there is space for the dilemma and the associated uncertainty, and that it does not have to be conclusively resolved (in my view, Root Foundation Germany was established as a compromise and addresses the dilemma between donations and criticism of donations).

Annika:

I'm always afraid that it's too easy, you know? Always saying ‘I don't know, I don't know’ instead of taking a clear position: No, development cooperation is really problematic and we should stop it, or: No, development cooperation has great aspects and we should preserve them. I feel cowardly for not making a decision in this regard.

Paul:

But is this not very Western thinking: that there's a binary choice between which you have to decide. It's a spectrum. From my point of view, that's exactly what we at the Root Foundation are trying to balance out again and again: have we gone too far, are we serving these power patterns and ways of thinking? 

Annika:

Sometimes I think that this desperation, if you want to call it that, is the most productive thing that can come out of development cooperation. Because it generates new ideas. But maybe that's just another excuse.

Paul: 

I'm just wondering to what extent that might be a very intellectual way of looking at development cooperation. And whether that's not also part of the beauty or uniqueness of the opportunities we have in Rwanda and through the Root Foundation Germany, to bring the whole thing down to a human level. 

Annika:

That may be true, but I would argue that we are both still benefiting greatly from the year we spent there. I often have the impression that my time in Rwanda has opened up career opportunities for me that are not available to the team members of the Root Foundation Rwanda to the same extent.  It's a form of personal gain that you get out of it for yourself, even without necessarily wanting to. 

Paul:

So you're now addressing systemic inequality from an individual perspective. 

Annika:

Yes, but you still have to find a way to deal with it on an individual level. It's not enough to say, ‘Yes, it's systemic, it has nothing to do with me.’ That's not how it works. 

Paul:

It's certainly important to reflect on this in our own minds, but ultimately, open dialogue with the Rwandan side is more important.

Annika: 

Yes, the question is how to put this into practice. How do you do that when you're actually on the ground  or working with the Rwandan team from the United Kingdom? In any case, this is an issue that has become more present for me again through this return, through this idea of going back.

Paul:

For me, it also means constantly enduring structural inequality. And what's more, I believe, as I said, that we are actually at the point where this conflict is one of our main strengths. Because the debates cannot be conducted in terms of pros and cons, because this form of cooperation cannot simply be reduced to a simplistic slogan, because complexity is and can be exciting and interesting.

Annika: 

And yet I still ask myself what I am still looking for there today.

Paul:

Perhaps it's more a question of what you find there? I think it's perfectly fine to say: I'm just going to do this now. I totally understand the critical perspective, and at the same time, I also find it problematic and very harsh to judge yourself in that way. You've simply opened yourself up to a world that is more difficult and complex. And I don't get the impression that you're dealing with this complexity irresponsibly. 

Annika: 

But you're saying that as a white German man. I'm not always sure how you would see it from a different perspective, you know? The volunteers so far have all been white, like us; perhaps for this reason, our perceptions often coincide, perhaps too often.

In retrospect, were your expectations before you went back confirmed, or would you say that there were also unexpected moments?

Paul: 

My expectations were exceeded in many ways. I'm not someone who goes into things with high expectations, but I did imagine that Kigali and the Root Foundation as an organisation would have changed a lot over the last seven years. And I was particularly excited about the brass band. Everything turned out to be even more amazing than I could have imagined.

I was pleasantly surprised by how many people who had influenced me or whom I had influenced came back into my consciousness and how we found each other again. It was surprising that it was so easy. That's perhaps why I find it difficult to completely disregard the human component of development cooperation when evaluating cooperation, given the justified systemic criticism.

Annika:

Some children at the Root Foundation still remember me, Brian (programme and partnership coordinator at the Root Foundation Rwanda) told me in a recent phone call. When I was there, they were maybe six or seven years old. I don't know if, at 14 or 15, I would have been able to remember someone I met when I was six or seven. That made a big impression on me. 

At first, I was really happy about that, because it was such an important year for me and still is. I still think about individual children and wonder what has become of them. Knowing that the reverse is also true in a way is simply wonderful and touches me deeply.

Paul:

I think it should be allowed to be beautiful and moving. You influenced these people and these people also influenced you. For me, that is the essence of cultural exchange. Power imbalances at the systemic level do not preclude valuable cooperation between people. I believe that social learning must always take place in an exchange. There is no question that something has to change in how this exchange happens. With Root Foundation Germany, we will hopefully continue to have a space in the future to critically question and adapt our collaboration with Root Foundation.